new year? in may…or should i say august
i’m changing up the profile because i need to restart somethings a bit. I need to restart life. I think that life can have a reset button, but you just have to find it. It’s like those toys you had when you were a kid. There was always a little tiny reset button that you had to use a safety pin to press, in case the toy glitches or stops working. I feel like what my life has come to is one of those glitches. I starting over won’t be easy, and i’m not asking for it to be. But I will have to actually take some initiative to find the reset button. I haven’t been trying to change my life. You can say you are going to change a million times but if you don’t put any effort into it, you have nothing. I want to do something different and I want to heal myself. So many things can happen in such a short time. It feels like yesterday that I graduated from high school..but that’s because it was yesterday..two years in a lifetime in nothing. I haven’t been thinking about a lifetime. I’ve been thinking about college and who I know in college and what I do in college and falling in love in college…college college college. How narrow minded of me to think of only the present and not the future. Maybe because your life can be taken away in a split second..maybe because I wanted to end it all…maybe because the one thing that will make me happy, will come at a potentially fatal risk. Whose idea was it to give humans the mental capacity do experience all of these emotions and freakin craziness. Why couldn’t dogs be the talking ones. Tone tone and tashy are so carefree. I want to be that way. I want to not have to do my hair every morning just for it to look nice. I want to put on anything and look beautiful in it. I want a guy to come along and sweep me off my feet just because he can. I use to think that was impossible, and it is for some people. Some people are beautiful, get the guy, and hair is like perfect. I have to work at it. Sure, as the old folk will tell you, there is someone who will love you for who you are somewhere out there..Well I don’t have time to get out there and look around for ole dude..i got shit to do today and everyday. But i need to change. I need to stop being depressed and start doing something about shit I can’t control. I need to get control of my weight, and I’m going to on august first, and even before that. Sure, my nose is too big and my ass could be rounder and more plump but who cares. I need to loose weight to become more healthy. I need to get a boo thang..I need a guy to text me goodnight and good morning. I want to be loved. I want to stop losing friends. I want to fix myself so I will be a better friend to people who I am friends with. I want to keep more promises. I want to let go of old things, and bring in new things…I want to fucking live….that’s all..I just want to live, a little. In this this lifetime, I want to live, and laugh, and love and genuinely feel happy with myself, inside and out. All I want to do is get better. And no person, no sex, no drug, no drink, no medication or anything is going to do shit to help me if I don’t help myself……….i can’t keep this shit up..I gotta change! I wanna change. I want to dance again and tap without people saying I don’t have ankels. I want to be able to drive my corrolla without people saying I’m too big for my car. I want people to know I’m a girl before they look down and see my boobs through my oversized hoodie…I hate to ramble..but I have to change..I have to start today. no point in waiting..and I know bigger things are to come..but hey….august 1st. i love you denise. yes i’m speaking in third person. i love you and i want you to get better. i need you to get better. i’m saying this to myself because no one else will…i have to change me..same shit different day..new shit. new day. i love you.
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